Forgiving too soon

She started doubting if she forgiving too soon.

She choose to believe and keep holding her hopes although she's been hurt for numerous times and not giving up.

But now,she is exhausted and tired,because she was using too much energy in recovering her wounds.

She is such an idiot for not giving up unless she's been really really get hurt.

She's giving too much which always leads her to become a victim in a relationship.

She started to hide in bedroom more frequently.

She started to love staying alone.

She started to stop answering her friends' calls,sometimes.

She rather stay at home instead of giving those faking smiles when hang outs.

When she feels like dropping her tears,she will stick to her bed,because that's the only place can comfort her,so that she can use the pillow to cover her noise.

Sometimes,she don't even realise her tears dropped until she felt there's a drop of warm water rolling down her cheek.She hate herself for being uncontrollable to her emotions,she's a loser.

She can give up her dreams of building a stable relationship,but she will never ever give up her ambitions and her life goals.

She learnt that she should be selfish on the next time...no,no more next time,that's what she thought.She has it enough.

She was giving too much chances to the person,now its time to stop herself being too kind.

i hope i could be stronger...

I just realise that i wrote a lot recently.And there is only one reason...i can hardly express my feelings and my minds to anyone,im too worry that i might cause the listener feels irritating,so i write it down.These few days,too much bad emotions striking me.Sometimes i feel bad because my blog seems less story-telling about something happy.But at least my writing skill improved...*does this count as good news?

Right now,i really wish the school can start very soon,so that i can bury myself in the busy hell life,means there will be lesser time for me to think much of nonsense.

I just hate the way he treat me,doesn't seems to care...he's over-estimate my ability to cope with every problem,i can't blame him though as everyone think that way.Honestly,I feel secure when im not reveal much of my problem to anyone,i feel secure when others think im strong enough,but not for someone who is very important for me.I never ask much from him,only few words,can definitely comfort me.

However,i always bear in mind that,im not live for others,i shouldn't rely on anyone to move on my life.I have to face all the obstacles by myself,i need to be tough for myself.That's what i learn from all those experiences.

empty promises...

If a person broke all the promises he/she gaves you,are you still need to care about the promises between you and him/her?Actually,i keep holding tight my promises that i gave,trying to do my best out of it.But sometimes,disappointment shakes me...There's a sound in my mind keep telling me that don't be an idiot to keep those promises to people who don't cherish you,and we are not live to entertain others.
I wonder why i still care about it...it's not taste good to break the promises though,but why he/she can break it easily?Why they still living in those enjoyable life and moving on?There's a posibility that they don't care of us anymore.Promises means nothing...I feel bad if i have a mind of revenge,its not healthy,and i hate to have that mindset.
Why i still care?I should do whatever i wanted to,like what he/she did,right?Am i right?
But whatever i do,im clear of the limitation and the bottom line.

shocking news...

I was gossipping with my coursemates this afternoon after long time didn't chat during long semester break.Just found out that lots of things happened and changed.
This coursemate date with that coursemate,that coursemate together with this coursemate....while our reactions are "OMG,are u kidding me?How could that be...." "what??you serious?"...we were laughing through the whole conversation.
But there's a devastating news that i heard from them,this time is really shocking me...one of my male coursemate had committed suicide,the reason is remain unclear.When i read from the news,i just found out that he rented a car and drove to jungle area alone,then burning charcoal in the car.I wonder why he chosed to die,such a serious matter.All i could do now is,may him Rest In Peace...R.I.P

cutey boy

It's been few months i didn't visit this cutey boy,a son of my girl friend.The first time to be an aunt is so much excited and odd too,because someone will call me "AUNT" now...haha...I was a bit nervous on the way heading to my friend's house yesterday,as i was worrying that this cutey boy won't recognise me and will even cry after seeing me,because it's been quite long time didn't see him when he was few months old,now he is one year and eight months old.
When i reach her house,i saw cutey boy standing in the middle of the door way,looking strange at me.He was kinda a shy when he saw me,luckily he didn't cry...while her mommy kept asking him "call Yi Yi (aunt)...faster call Yi Yi...",but he didn't call me,he only keep giving those shyness smiles to me.So cute....
After few minutes,he started pick up a ball to play with me,and even talk with me with his baby language,haha...He likes to smile and laugh.I like his look when he laugh and showing off his baby teeths,because that look is making me laugh too...such a playful and cutey boy...
My friend is having a second baby now,hopefully this time is a baby girl... = )

a betrayal of trust

How's the feel of being betrayed by someone?
The mixture of all negative emotions will started master your mind and your heart
Anger,hatred,burning in the heart,breathing fire and brimstone...
Then,
Cold,emptiness and loneliness start to crawl up to your body from your feet
You will started asking yourself, "Am i done something wrong?", "Why he/she treated me that way?", "Did he/she really mean to hurt me,or he/she didn't mean to?"...
All kinds of questions keep recalling in your mind,over again and again...
Do you believe that a person who betrayed you once,will betray you twice?
Some say yes,some say no,i think mostly will say it's hard to forecast and it depends
For some people,only an idiot will be betrayed twice or even a number of times
While for some others,you've been betrayed twice for one reason,which is you treat people with all your heart without doubt,and you are kind enough for forgiving and giving people second chance.
If you ask me whether i choose to believe a betrayer for second time
I will say,yes...
Everyone deserve a second chance,with some solid reasons and regrets.
Am i an idiot? I have no idea...i just do something that i won't feel regret in the future

Midnight phobia

When the night is falling
The surrounding started to quiet down
When the time gets closer to 12am
I can hear my heartbeats,louder and louder when each minute passed
Then,feels like there's a minor earthquake in my mind when midnight is closer

Trying to distract myself doing something elses
Make myself busier
So that I can runaway from the feeling I do not like
Although just a little while...

When the time show past 12am
All the memories which buried under the deepest part of my mind
Sweet memories and also the bad one
Burst out to the surface of my mind
Like a volcano,it's beyond my control when it exploded
While the memories are like lava
Keep flowing out
I am losing control...

This midnight phobia is haunting me each night
What I hate most is...
Cleaning up the mess after the explotion
I need to flip through (*recall) every pieces of memory
Good one and bad one
Reorganize them before i put them back
In the deepest part of my mind

As what scientists said
There's no way we can stop the explotion of a volcano
That is why I can do nothing
But need to encounter it
Face it
Each midnight...

my companions...

my princess~ gal gal

naughty boy in the house~Hiro



Im so glad that god sending both of them into my life as my soul companions.They both capable to heal my wounds whenever i get hurt.When i reach home and saw them,my heart lighten,and my stress gone,even though it's not permanently gone...at least my mind can relax...watching them sleeping is an effective medicine to me to cure my sadness.

Learn to let go,is one of the chapter we should learn in life

As i growing up,i started to realise that people tend to enter and leave from my life unexpectedly,relatives,lover,friends or even pets.I am not only mean death and live,but also those who are important to me,living their own life without involving me.
22 years of living in this world,i expect myself can cope with this real life "tragedy".I called it as "tragedy" because it is devastating when someone who is not a passer-by,but someone who is a piece of your life started to walk out from your life.That doesn't feel good...It seems that i am over expect my ability to cope with these tragedies when they come to me together.I still have a lot to learn,i've just learnt part of the chapter.
Maybe my grandfather really gave me a huge impact on my emotions after he leave this year,he was leaving to another world.A world where i hope full of happiness and peaceful,a world where he love to stay and waiting us to meet him,someday...I have these several important man in my life,but he is the most important,no one can beat him.He is the best man i've ever met,taking care of his grandchildren like a father does.Always called us to go back his house,because he missed us so much,wanted to see us.For him,nothing can be more important than families.When things not going well,he dropped his tears silently when nobody noticed,but my sister saw it,accidentally...He suffered too much before he'd leave from this world.Tears rolling in my eyes whenever i think of him.Miss him too much.But i should learn to let go and move on.
Now,another man is leaving...he is leaving from my life to live his own.Although he did not mention,or even not realising it,but his actions already proved that he is leaving slowly,from my life.That is why i choosed to give up before thing gets worse.At least i apply what i learnt from secondary,"to let it go..."
Each time when i saw ah gal,my doggy,my heart sunked again and again.She is getting older and older,walking slower and slower.She can hardly run now,she can't see anything either,that's why she wont walk any far if nobody besides her,she needs me,she needs us.I can't imagine the day she leave me...

Scent of Tulips

I have this special feeling toward tulip flowers when i first learnt this species of flower. It gives people some kind of mysteries feeling and curiosity as it won't bloom widely as other species of flowers,people can't easily see clearly what is inside the tulips even during the maturity period. That's why i love them as they seem very similar with my characteristics. Unfortunately,i can hardly see any of them in asian countries,i think only quite low number florists sell tulips in the market as the carrying costs is higher and the flowers can't last longer in tropica countries. That is why i wish i could travel to Holland,a place where millions and millions of tulips bloom together during spring.






A purple tulips symbolizes the future can be better and tomorrow brings another new day.Hopes for the future help us go through the rough time so that we can grow and experience more love,peace and joy.It also means dignity,pride and success.



Yellow tulips representing hopeless love,or even cheerful thoughts and sunshine.







White colour tulips symbolize Royalty...





Red tulips associated with true love,declaration of love.

Smells that make me happy

1. Clean sheets
2. Vanilla
3. Fresh flowers
4. Fresh ground coffee
5. Smell of my doggies after shower
6. His perfume
7. Freshly baked cakes and breads
8. Smell of clean beach

she decided to leave

She decided to leave...
After a month of fighting,crying and begging
She started to stay calm and think properly
She hold her handphone and dialled his number
He still seems like avoiding her after heard her voice that he didn't heard of for ages
She insist to talk,because she can't stand the mess between them anymore
She wants to make things clear

She felt so much relieve that at least he started to listen to her
Listen what's in her mind,what she feels and what she wanted to do
She decided to take one step backward in the relationship
She wants to make him as a friend,not a person she hate
Because he mean so much for her

She believe that this is the best solution for both of them
So that he can do whatever he wanted to without feeling any burden and sorry to her
Besides,she wants to move on
She doesn't want to keep struggling in the mess of their relationship
She has so much goals to achieve in her life
She is just so proud of her for being strong and rational
Anyway,she feel grateful for a person who dragged her back on track when she lost

She still cares for him...